The article asks "Is there a way to construe courtship that does not engage in female-directed fear-mongering?" Yes, actually. I unintentionally led myself into a "courtship" way of having a relationship and I couldn't be happier.
Since I was a very shy teenager, I never dated--no guy asked me out and I'd die before I'd ask one myself and none of my friends, though I gave them plenty of encouragement, could find a guy they'd allow me to date. Instead of sitting around wondering why no guys liked me (except for a few scattered weeks of misery), I mostly just focused on the friendships (and crushes) I had with males, often wondering about how a long term relationship would be with them.
You see, I'm a reader, and in books, romances are very cut and dry--the princess finds prince charming and they live happily ever after. All through middle and high school, as well as college, I was the go-to person to discuss relationship DRAMA. For all my lack of experience, I was the one offering sound advice (usually, "Are you happy? And if not, DUMP THE SCUM!"). Not everyone listened, but my dad taught me that the only way to survive this thing called life is to let others live and learn--you can't solve their problems for them.
Anyway. So, I've always wanted a fairy tale type, first kiss=true love, long term relationship without all the drama of dating everyone under the sun. But I'm a feminist, independent woman who isn't going to settle for the first dead-beat that offers me a bit of attention. I guess I was giving off these vibes to the guys around me because the first (and still only) guy to ask me out somehow managed to check off all my requirements, even the ones that I wasn't expecting, without even trying.
There are many parts of the "courtship" model that I think modern, secular women and men can benefit from:
**On "Dating with Purpose"--It's important to first acknowledge what type of relationship a person wants. I think that many people assume that they're ready for/or want a long-term relationship when they're not. This is why it's so important to be introspective.
**On "Self-Assessment"--People don't often acknowledge their own faults and tend to blame others. For example, it took me years to learn that I'm an introvert and to realize that too much "social" makes me a grumpy person. My boyfriend is an extrovert and will drag me to all of his friends houses all the time if I didn't tell him that on certain occasions I just want to be with him and no one else--or sometimes just by myself. I could blame him for causing my grumpiness, if I didn't know my triggers and wasn't able to give him warning. I also encourage my boyfriend to speak-up when he's unhappy so that I can recognize his moods and adjust accordingly (it's stupid to rely on him telling me because he's not inclined to tell people when he's upset, though I am training him).
**On "saving oneself for marriage"--I admit, that this one was/is important to me. I'm a shy person. I do not like PDA. In public, my boyfriend and I will only hold hands and lean against each other. It is difficult for me to hug him when there are people around. We don't kiss when there's an audience. I never had any intention of jumping into the sack with some random guy and was very proud of being a virgin, often shouting it from the rooftops, so to speak. I told him right after our first kiss that I wasn't going to have sex with him for a very long time--my feelings were/are that I only wanted to have sex with one guy and that I'd happily wait for the moment when marriage* happens.
I've been appalled by the Duggar version of courtship when it comes to the need for chaperons. It says a lot that "godly men" are incapable of controlling themselves when alone with a woman and even more that a "godly woman" is incapable of kicking a man in the balls for getting fresh. I encouraged my boyfriend to break down my barriers since somewhere during my years of singleness, I got really awkward about touching guys because I was afraid that they'd either know that I was interested (causing me to die of embarrassment), or that they'd think I was interested when I wasn't. It was a tough first month of dating as I gave my boyfriend all the physical signals that I wasn't interested in holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc while I was mentally trying to get myself to do it. Luckily he trusted me when I said that I'd stop him if he ever went too far which I did have to do on a few occasions, without any trouble. We spent a lot of time during those first days discussing boundaries and my "ungodly" boyfriend has had plenty of control because we know that the endgame is all that matters. I wouldn't be with a guy who couldn't control himself even in the heat of the moment--for better or worse, certain words take all the spark out of my man.
*For me, "marriage" is the unconscious decision between two people to do whatever it takes to spend the rest of their lives together. It's submission by both parties, but it's completely unconscious--it's that feeling you get when you realize (after filling their cup or doing their dishes) that you are serving your spouse but not feeling used because you know that they'd do it for you. A "wedding" is the ceremony when you gain political/governmental bonuses/rights. People who have a wedding aren't necessarily married, in my book.
